I'm a Baby!

He began writing the first Friendster message, thinking all this negative energy in his lovelife may be a result of all the pain he may have caused others.

Going chronologically, he wrote Michelle first. He started by saying he was genuinely in love with her when they first met at the high school soiree but when she turned him down months after, wasn't sure what to do next. Embarassed, he just stayed as far away from her as possible. When their paths crossed again in college, so many things have changed. Some are quite obvious, and the others, he was still struggling with. For one, he was already in love with somebody else. But that, too, resulted to more pain and embarassment. He attributes his healing to Michelle. It wasn't hard to fall for again, he thought. But things have changed. And when he wanted out, it was also the first time he was gonna break up with anyone in his life. So he didn't know that doing it in McDo wasn't a great venue. Nor was refusing to talk to her afterwards. He thought running away, as far, far away as possible would be best for her. But it may have been only protecting himself. He wasn't ready to deal with all the pain he's caused. So he cut "cut clean," too clean that when they found each other again on Friendster years after, he still couldn't get himself to talk to her straight (even in Friendster). Yes, she would have been soooo over him by now but why didn't he have the decency to talk it out so there could really be closure. Sorry.

Then he wrote Gigi. This one involved some tracking down because she's not part of his Friendster friends, just in his extended network. Gigi was beautiful and all the guys in their org literally bowed to him when they found out he snagged the most desired lady. She was beautiful, had an easy laugh, and cooks really, really well. Trophy wife material. But it was during this time that he came to terms with the fact that a wife would never make him happy. He was, uhm, looking for something else.

But again, instead of talking it out with her, he chose to run away. Duwag! He did the typical asshole guy tactic of being such a shitty boyfriend that she had no choice but to break up with him. And when she started demanding for that post-break-up conversation, he ran away again. Well, it worse than running away, he just refused to talk to her (even on the phone). He said he was getting tired of all the talk, said it's better that they just cut ties totally. And that's how it's been since. She's now married and living in UK, if you need anymore sign of her being sooo over him. So why is it that seven years after, he finds himself compelled to type out an apology? Now, that's karma for you.

Ah, things become really interesting with his next email. His first boyfriend, Ellery. Despite the really, really bad breakup, they remained Friendster friends. Must be the fact that they are each other's first boyfriend. He was a long-time friend and though their common friends predicted he'd screw it up because he became such a promiscuous whore the minute he came out. But it was meek, romantic Ellery who was having second thoughts about the relationship so he broke up with him at Jollibee Philcoa.

By now everyone is thinking "it's all Ellery's fault." But he's still typing this apology because he needs to recognize his mistakes, as well. How he got so overwhelmed with his very first relationship. Thinking it was forever (don't we all with our first?), he must have put unnecessary pressure on the other guy who was only taking it one day at a time. So when he couldn't take the demands anymore, he started flirting with another guy before ultimately calling it off. He's also sorry for mauling him at Greenbelt and he'd like to assure him that he would be more civilized if and when they meet.

Then the apology to Wally. He thought about writing him a long YM message because that's how they corresponded a few months back but he thought the Friendster message would be more long-lasting, a sincere apology he could read and re-read. With this second boyfriend, he apologizes for entering into a relationship a totally fucked up guy. Having rebuffed by a guy he felt so sure wouldn't leave him, he was just so happy to be with someone who says loves him, thinking it would be enough. But it wasn't. He couldn't give enough of himself for fear of going all out once again and then losing everything in the end. He didn't give him all the love he deserves. Sorry.

And then Toni. The most recent ex. This was actually tougher than he thought, considering he really has a lot to say sorry for. Sorry for saying all the things he said. Sorry for doubting his sincerity. Sorry for driving him away. Sorry that finally God has given him everything he's prayed for but he blew it.

He though about those times when people drove him away, too. How, in his private little corner he would lick his wounds and fantasize about that cruel person regreting everything afterwards.
And now that he's that cruel person. He's regretting it big time. When they were just talking about the "cool off," Toni said "'Wag na lang. Nairita ka lang kanina, eh." Inside his head, he did wanted to take it back. But he chose not to take it back.

And the moment, no, the second he went out that door, he had the urge wanted to run after him and stop him from leaving. But he didn't budge. He thought he was doing the right thing. Sobbing, he turned on to Channel 33 where the building's lobby could be viewed. He saw get out of the elevator and walk out the door. Still, he didn't try to stop him.
Realizing his mistake, he called and asked him back the next day. It was too late. Sorry.

***
Send. Send. Send. Send. Send.

Remembering those times when he was mulling over the lack of love in his adult life and he and his drinking buddies would say that the person who would accept his love would be so lucky! All these years of people refusing it got them all bottled up, ready to spill over.

Instead it remained bottled up by doubt, insecurity, fear, greed, selfishness... Even to those five people who would have gladly accepted it.