Sunday, October 19, 2008
Putting Myself Out There
I need to "put myself out there." 'Yan ang mantra ko ngayon. Sabi nga nila, ang mga hindi naman nag-e-effort maghanap, eh, walang karapatang magreklamo kung bakit wala pa rin silang boyfriend. Deadma na sa matagal ko nang isinabuhay na "ang pag-ibig hindi hinahanap, kusa 'yang dumarating!" Leche! Kung matagal pa siyang dumating, ako na'ng susundo sa kanya! Nasaan ba siya???
So can you just imagine training for the half-ironman around my putting myself out there? Ang hirap, ha! Kulang na kulang na nga'ko nu'n sa training pero ayoko rin namang totally pabayaan 'yung already non-existent lovelife ko. So magba-bar ako until mga 1am...130 at the latest. And still manage to attend my pool sessions at 7am. In fairness, faster swim split ako sa White Rock, pero single pa rin ako...
Ngayong mas relaxed na ang training sched ko, mas makaka-concentrate na'ko sa putting myself out there. Pero ang problema, eh, when I'm out there, I'm as stiff as a rock - frozen to death, terrified of rejection! So wala akong ginagawa.
This week lang, 'di ba, natorpe ako sa Malate? So nu'ng Friday sabi ko babawi na talaga ako. Niyaya ko si Vichael mag-Government. Sinama niya ang kanyang boyfriend. So tatlo kami. Silang dalawa nag-enjoy. Maraming foreigners that night because of some trade fair happening in Manila raw. Two cute afams did smile at me...Pinu-push na'ko ng mga ibang kakilalang ko na lapitan at mag-da-moves. Kaso natakot talaga ako. Hayun, naunahan ako ng mga tsakang bading! hahaha! In fairness, those forenjerms were looking at me the whole time those tsaka badings were flirting with them!
Ang 'di ko maintindihan, kapag i'm at a much, much sleazier place looking for something more carnal and primal than the romance i seek now, eh, ang lakas-lakas ng loob ko! Hindi puwedeng ma-zero ako! Kapag naka-three lang ako, slow night pa!
Pero kapag ganito na 'yung context - kahit mismong date lang, or asking for a cellphone number - wala! Tae ako! Tae! (Shit dapat baguhin ko na ang aking internal dialogue!)
Kagabi, after two live shows, dumiretso na'ko ng Simbahan. Maaga ako sa Misa so nakatulog talaga ako sa pew! Kakahiya! So tumayo na lang ako't umuwi para matulog. (Sana maintindihan ni Lord na mas mainam na mag-skip na lang ako ng Mass kesa maghihihilik ako sa bahay Niya). When I got home at 8pm, nagpa-alarm pa rin ako ng 1130pm later that evening dahil plano ko pa rin mag-put myself out there. Nagising ako pero antok pa rin ako. It was a struggle - should I go back to bed or should I just shower and dress up and put myself out there....
I decided to put my head back on the pillow.
At ito ang napanaginipan ko:
I was two guy friends, I don't really recall who they were basta mga friends ko sila. Dude-pare-dude ako sa kanila, the way I am around my straight friends. Tapos one of those friends wanted to show us a beachfront property na he's thinking of acquiring so sumakay kami ng helicopter (sosyal 'tong friend na'to kaya hindi ko siya kilala, sa panaginip lang talaga). Pagdating namin sa beach, ang ganda nu'ng property, beachfront talaga, tapos parang Boracay 'yung place - party beach, ang daming gorgeous people.
We were at the beach admiring the view when two girls passed by, a chubby cute girl ('yung tipong best friend ng bida sa mga Pinoy movies) and some foreign looking babe, mukhang Brazilian model. Oo, ganito talaga ka-vivid ang dream ko. 2pm na pero naaalala ko pa rin! Tapos this Brazilian girl was walking na sesenglot-senglot. I remember nagsa-sunset na nito. Then this Brazilia girl eyed me tapos she intentionally bumped me. Ako naman nagulat. Tapos nu'ng binangga niya ako ulit napa-hug siya sa'kin, nag-hug na rin ako. Then I pretended to be straight and proceeded to flirt with her! As in, in my dream hind ako straight, ha, bading pa rin ako pero since siya na'yung nag-first move, go na'ko. 'Yung two straight friends ko naman, kinunsinti lang ako.
I dreamt about the whole evening. Hinatid ko sila sa cottage nila. We agreed to meet again later for dinner, ganu'n! Ang labo lang talaga!
1. Should I go straight and nab a Brazilian model?
2. Or was the dream a manifestation of how I wish my putting myself out there should be: nakatayo lang ako then this hottie comes and makes the first big move?
So can you just imagine training for the half-ironman around my putting myself out there? Ang hirap, ha! Kulang na kulang na nga'ko nu'n sa training pero ayoko rin namang totally pabayaan 'yung already non-existent lovelife ko. So magba-bar ako until mga 1am...130 at the latest. And still manage to attend my pool sessions at 7am. In fairness, faster swim split ako sa White Rock, pero single pa rin ako...
Ngayong mas relaxed na ang training sched ko, mas makaka-concentrate na'ko sa putting myself out there. Pero ang problema, eh, when I'm out there, I'm as stiff as a rock - frozen to death, terrified of rejection! So wala akong ginagawa.
This week lang, 'di ba, natorpe ako sa Malate? So nu'ng Friday sabi ko babawi na talaga ako. Niyaya ko si Vichael mag-Government. Sinama niya ang kanyang boyfriend. So tatlo kami. Silang dalawa nag-enjoy. Maraming foreigners that night because of some trade fair happening in Manila raw. Two cute afams did smile at me...Pinu-push na'ko ng mga ibang kakilalang ko na lapitan at mag-da-moves. Kaso natakot talaga ako. Hayun, naunahan ako ng mga tsakang bading! hahaha! In fairness, those forenjerms were looking at me the whole time those tsaka badings were flirting with them!
Ang 'di ko maintindihan, kapag i'm at a much, much sleazier place looking for something more carnal and primal than the romance i seek now, eh, ang lakas-lakas ng loob ko! Hindi puwedeng ma-zero ako! Kapag naka-three lang ako, slow night pa!
Pero kapag ganito na 'yung context - kahit mismong date lang, or asking for a cellphone number - wala! Tae ako! Tae! (Shit dapat baguhin ko na ang aking internal dialogue!)
Kagabi, after two live shows, dumiretso na'ko ng Simbahan. Maaga ako sa Misa so nakatulog talaga ako sa pew! Kakahiya! So tumayo na lang ako't umuwi para matulog. (Sana maintindihan ni Lord na mas mainam na mag-skip na lang ako ng Mass kesa maghihihilik ako sa bahay Niya). When I got home at 8pm, nagpa-alarm pa rin ako ng 1130pm later that evening dahil plano ko pa rin mag-put myself out there. Nagising ako pero antok pa rin ako. It was a struggle - should I go back to bed or should I just shower and dress up and put myself out there....
I decided to put my head back on the pillow.
At ito ang napanaginipan ko:
I was two guy friends, I don't really recall who they were basta mga friends ko sila. Dude-pare-dude ako sa kanila, the way I am around my straight friends. Tapos one of those friends wanted to show us a beachfront property na he's thinking of acquiring so sumakay kami ng helicopter (sosyal 'tong friend na'to kaya hindi ko siya kilala, sa panaginip lang talaga). Pagdating namin sa beach, ang ganda nu'ng property, beachfront talaga, tapos parang Boracay 'yung place - party beach, ang daming gorgeous people.
We were at the beach admiring the view when two girls passed by, a chubby cute girl ('yung tipong best friend ng bida sa mga Pinoy movies) and some foreign looking babe, mukhang Brazilian model. Oo, ganito talaga ka-vivid ang dream ko. 2pm na pero naaalala ko pa rin! Tapos this Brazilian girl was walking na sesenglot-senglot. I remember nagsa-sunset na nito. Then this Brazilia girl eyed me tapos she intentionally bumped me. Ako naman nagulat. Tapos nu'ng binangga niya ako ulit napa-hug siya sa'kin, nag-hug na rin ako. Then I pretended to be straight and proceeded to flirt with her! As in, in my dream hind ako straight, ha, bading pa rin ako pero since siya na'yung nag-first move, go na'ko. 'Yung two straight friends ko naman, kinunsinti lang ako.
I dreamt about the whole evening. Hinatid ko sila sa cottage nila. We agreed to meet again later for dinner, ganu'n! Ang labo lang talaga!
1. Should I go straight and nab a Brazilian model?
2. Or was the dream a manifestation of how I wish my putting myself out there should be: nakatayo lang ako then this hottie comes and makes the first big move?
# posted by rey agapay @ 11:11 PM 
