Friday, July 09, 2010
IMPOSIBLENG walang GUWAPONG "person" para sa'kin!
Noong unang panahon sa isang training climb, may isang aplikante ang nanghula sa’kin na isang taong mas bata at kakilala ko na ang magiging first boyfriend ko. Hindi ako makapaniwala nu’n kasi wala akong hilig sa mas bata, at mas lalo sa mga kakilala ko nu’n. Nang ‘di ko namamalayan, a couple of years after, naging first boyfriend ko nga ang isang mas batang friend of a friend.
Hindi ako naniniwala sa hula talaga. Magpahula man ako, it’s more out of novel curiosity, pero ngayon umaalingawngaw sa alaala ko ang isang interesting na hula. Mahahanap ko raw ang taong para sa’kin pero sa bandang dulo ng buhay ko na. So the day na maging happy ang lovelife ko, mag-draft na kayo ng eulogy n'yo for me!
Natutuwa nga ako sa konsepto ng 2012. Hindi ako nababahala kung sakaling gumunaw na nga ang mundo sa loob ng dalawang taon. Ang hiling ko lang, ma-publicize ito na animo’y may countdown pa. Pakiramdam ko kasi babaligtad ang mundo, magbabago ang mga patakaran kung paano natin patatakbuhin ang daigdig at ang mga buhay-buhay natin. Wala nang faraway future tayong paghahandaan. Hindi tayo mag-aaksaya ng panahong mag-aral ng kursong hindi naman natin gusto pero kinuha pa rin natin dahil ito ang in-demand abroad. Ni hindi tayo magtitiyaga sa isang nakakaburat na trabaho para lang may pambayad ng educational plan ng mga anak natin. Babagsak ang konsepto ng komersyo na pawang profit lang ang habol. Aanhin pa nga ba ang limpak-limpak na salapi kung mawa-wipe-out din naman tayong lahat in two years?
At kung tulad ng pelikula na merong major project para magsalba ng ilang taong maaatasang magsimula muli, hindi ko pipiliing mapabilang dito. OK na’ko blissfully living my life in a sort of tragically happy timebomb, isang buhay na wala nang masyadong consequences, wala nang fears of what every fucking decision will do to one’s future. Imagine, no one would have to put up with difficult people or circumstances because it’s “necessary.” No one, and nothing would be necessary. We would all just be one world of people trying to enjoy and make the most of our short time left in this world. Ma-achieve na nga natin ang utopia, pero ang irony ay ang mabilisan nitong pagwawakas.
A few months back, I uncharacteristically burdened my Mommy Monster with a gripe: “Hi, Ma! Sometimes I feel that my career is all I’ve got so though it gets too difficult at times, I persevere because if I quit I’ll have nothing.” But I immediately padded it with “but I’m OK, Ma. Don’t worry about me. Just work stress talking.”
Part of my Mommy Monster’s reply: “That’s why you are assured of our unconditional love no matter what.” My eyes almost teared up, but that sustained me through yet another magdamagang meeting.
Unconditional love. Such a vague concept for me. Even from my mommy. Don’t get me wrong, happy naman ang childhood ko. Siguro it’s a middle child thing. Ika nga ng character ni Marcia Gay Harden sa “Meet Joe Black,” nang mag-apologize dito ang amang si Anthony Hopkins for seemingly favoring her younger sister – “I felt loved.”
My dad is a professor, and has written books on logic. Artist din siya. Personality-wise, I may have gotten my mom’s energy, humor and carefree attitude; at my core is my dad’s calculating, rationale temperament. Kaya pati sa scripts importante sa’king things make sense, iikut-ikutin ko siya sa utak ko para dapat plantsado, logical ang succession ng cause and effect. Kaya naga-grasp ko rin ‘yung konsepto ng no shortcuts pagdating sa pagbi-build ng career o ng pagme-maintain ng personal and professional relationships. Unti-unti talaga ‘yan, titiyagain mo, take in the bad with the little good you see dahil sa huli it will pay off.
But love, it all seems so random to me. Just how many assholes have a seemingly perfect person unconditionally loving them? I’ve seen too many. And I…I have my Mommy Monster.
***
Pero ayoko nang maging nega. Iwawaksi ko na ang paniniwala kong I’m not good enough. Sabi nga ni Thea, imposibleng walang para sa’yo. IMPOSIBLENG wala para sa’yo. Ang galing, ‘di ba? Na-astound talaga nang unang sinambit sa’kin niya ‘yan on our way home from Baguio last week. Ganu’n ka-positive at trusting sa universe talaga? Ma-try nga!
My mom texted me a couple of weeks ago na she’s praying daw that I find that “person.” From a woman married 38 years to the same man with nary a major fight, cutesy tampuhan lang, and who claims that growing up she’d pray na makapangasawa raw siya ng guwapo, and now everytime she wakes up, she looks at my dad daw and gushes na ang guwapo ng napangasawa niya, mukhang promising. Sana nga lang guwapo ‘yung “person” na pinagdarasal niya for me!
Hindi ako naniniwala sa hula talaga. Magpahula man ako, it’s more out of novel curiosity, pero ngayon umaalingawngaw sa alaala ko ang isang interesting na hula. Mahahanap ko raw ang taong para sa’kin pero sa bandang dulo ng buhay ko na. So the day na maging happy ang lovelife ko, mag-draft na kayo ng eulogy n'yo for me!
Natutuwa nga ako sa konsepto ng 2012. Hindi ako nababahala kung sakaling gumunaw na nga ang mundo sa loob ng dalawang taon. Ang hiling ko lang, ma-publicize ito na animo’y may countdown pa. Pakiramdam ko kasi babaligtad ang mundo, magbabago ang mga patakaran kung paano natin patatakbuhin ang daigdig at ang mga buhay-buhay natin. Wala nang faraway future tayong paghahandaan. Hindi tayo mag-aaksaya ng panahong mag-aral ng kursong hindi naman natin gusto pero kinuha pa rin natin dahil ito ang in-demand abroad. Ni hindi tayo magtitiyaga sa isang nakakaburat na trabaho para lang may pambayad ng educational plan ng mga anak natin. Babagsak ang konsepto ng komersyo na pawang profit lang ang habol. Aanhin pa nga ba ang limpak-limpak na salapi kung mawa-wipe-out din naman tayong lahat in two years?
At kung tulad ng pelikula na merong major project para magsalba ng ilang taong maaatasang magsimula muli, hindi ko pipiliing mapabilang dito. OK na’ko blissfully living my life in a sort of tragically happy timebomb, isang buhay na wala nang masyadong consequences, wala nang fears of what every fucking decision will do to one’s future. Imagine, no one would have to put up with difficult people or circumstances because it’s “necessary.” No one, and nothing would be necessary. We would all just be one world of people trying to enjoy and make the most of our short time left in this world. Ma-achieve na nga natin ang utopia, pero ang irony ay ang mabilisan nitong pagwawakas.
A few months back, I uncharacteristically burdened my Mommy Monster with a gripe: “Hi, Ma! Sometimes I feel that my career is all I’ve got so though it gets too difficult at times, I persevere because if I quit I’ll have nothing.” But I immediately padded it with “but I’m OK, Ma. Don’t worry about me. Just work stress talking.”
Part of my Mommy Monster’s reply: “That’s why you are assured of our unconditional love no matter what.” My eyes almost teared up, but that sustained me through yet another magdamagang meeting.
Unconditional love. Such a vague concept for me. Even from my mommy. Don’t get me wrong, happy naman ang childhood ko. Siguro it’s a middle child thing. Ika nga ng character ni Marcia Gay Harden sa “Meet Joe Black,” nang mag-apologize dito ang amang si Anthony Hopkins for seemingly favoring her younger sister – “I felt loved.”
My dad is a professor, and has written books on logic. Artist din siya. Personality-wise, I may have gotten my mom’s energy, humor and carefree attitude; at my core is my dad’s calculating, rationale temperament. Kaya pati sa scripts importante sa’king things make sense, iikut-ikutin ko siya sa utak ko para dapat plantsado, logical ang succession ng cause and effect. Kaya naga-grasp ko rin ‘yung konsepto ng no shortcuts pagdating sa pagbi-build ng career o ng pagme-maintain ng personal and professional relationships. Unti-unti talaga ‘yan, titiyagain mo, take in the bad with the little good you see dahil sa huli it will pay off.
But love, it all seems so random to me. Just how many assholes have a seemingly perfect person unconditionally loving them? I’ve seen too many. And I…I have my Mommy Monster.
***
Pero ayoko nang maging nega. Iwawaksi ko na ang paniniwala kong I’m not good enough. Sabi nga ni Thea, imposibleng walang para sa’yo. IMPOSIBLENG wala para sa’yo. Ang galing, ‘di ba? Na-astound talaga nang unang sinambit sa’kin niya ‘yan on our way home from Baguio last week. Ganu’n ka-positive at trusting sa universe talaga? Ma-try nga!
My mom texted me a couple of weeks ago na she’s praying daw that I find that “person.” From a woman married 38 years to the same man with nary a major fight, cutesy tampuhan lang, and who claims that growing up she’d pray na makapangasawa raw siya ng guwapo, and now everytime she wakes up, she looks at my dad daw and gushes na ang guwapo ng napangasawa niya, mukhang promising. Sana nga lang guwapo ‘yung “person” na pinagdarasal niya for me!
# posted by rey agapay @ 9:31 PM 
